No matter how hard I’ve tried recently, I’ve been unable to make time for this blog. The Army Field Band Brass Quintet has been carpet-bombing the region with recitals, and I’ve had to fit every other task around that schedule. Plus, I try not to bore my readers with the most mundane aspects of my life. (‘Shopping for a new sofa! Hmm… Leather or microsuede?’)

Really, though, that’s an excuse. Interesting things happen all the time, and I just get too wrapped up in my day-to-day to write about them. However, I’m happy to report that I’ve finally found a solution:

I rigged a death trap to my office desk chair.

This might sound extreme to some of you. Maybe you have less intense methods of staying productive. My mom always carries a folded-up To-Do list. I know a couple of people who write notes to themselves on their wrist. A lot of my colleagues send themselves cute little alerts on their phones.

That doesn’t cut it for me. To-Do lists can get so long they become intimidating or bothersome, phone alerts get turned off, and wrist-writing is for middle school girls. I need something more effective.

So I outfitted my cushy, ergonomic roll-y chair with a pressure switch.

If 48 hours elapse without a blog post, the roll-y chair is armed. The next time I sit in it, a carbon-fiber harness clamps down on my waist, chest and ankles. The office door locks and seals.

Then a ceiling spout I attached to the house’s main water line gushes freezing water into the room.

From activation, I have approximately 20 minutes to publish a blog post before the water is over my head. (It’s almost to my nipples right now.) When the blog post goes live, a grate opens, the water recedes and I’m good for another 48 hours.

It’s not perfect, I know. There are kinks to be worked out. The trap is wired directly into my web server, so if my internet service goes out, I’m pretty much screwed. Plus, after sixteen minutes I have to hold the computer up with one hand and type with the other to keep it out of the water. And Elena’s getting tired of explaining to guests why we added an aircraft door seal to the office, and why we can’t keep books on the bottom three shelves.

Down to my last ninety seconds, readers, so I’d better finish up, but don’t worry: You’ll be seeing more posts very soon.