I love videogames. I don’t usually have time to play them, but I love them.

I’m currently working with a talented friend and artist on a comic project… one that deals with old video games. So I’ve tried to make some time to game again. You know… research.

If you haven’t played a game in a while, check out a new First Person Shooter sometime. It will blow your damned mind. The visuals are almost BETTER than reality. The weapons are exhaustingly researched and incredibly like their real life counterparts, right down to the recoil and the sounds they make. The best games have terrific stories, the sound effects are convincing, the AI is smart as hell, the camera, lighting, environmental textures are all immersive… It’s its own world.

And I believe they’ve taught me valuable life skills.

Here are 11 life lessons I learned from First Person Shooters, skills that help me in my day-to-day life:

1. If you complete a task but aren’t entirely happy with how it turned out, the sensible thing to do is kill yourself. (You might do better the next go-round.)

2. Anyone who doesn’t carry a gun with them at all times simply does not have the tools to advance. Unless they are one HELL of a knife fighter.

3. Stay away from all red objects. Fire extinguishers, air compressors, but ESPECIALLY red barrels. Nobody knows for sure what’s in red barrels, because they don’t open, but whatever it is, when roughly handled it always explodes. ALWAYS. DO NOT TOUCH.

4. If you’re not sure of a person’s motives, try to punch them. If your fist passes through them with no effect, they’re a friend.

5. If you ever walk into a huge deserted room, with high ceilings and lots of things to hide behind, walk right back out again. You are about to be ambushed.

6. A shotgun is always the best weapon. Unless your enemy is standing more than 30 feet away. Then, it doesn’t do shit.

7. People leave ammo lying around EVERYWHERE. Seriously, check your pockets. Right now. You will definitely find a few rounds, or at least a grenade.

8. The amount of ammunition you find for any given weapon is inversely relative to the effectiveness of that weapon. You will never find less than 50 rounds for a small caliber sub-machine gun at one time, or more than 5 shotgun shells. Imagine what you could do with 30 shotgun shells! It just wouldn’t be fair, and the universe steps in accordingly.

9. When you shoot a human being, useful items fly out of them like candy from a piñata. Common treasures include ammunition (see above), first aid kits, food or, if they’re the most important person in the room, sometimes a single key. Nobody ever carries more than one key with them at a time. There’s no point.

10. If you’re about to leave a building, first make sure you did everything you wanted to do there. Usually, after leaving you’re unable to get back in again, and that is super annoying.

11. No matter how good you are at anything, there’s a trash-talking 13-year-old kid online right now who’s better. But it’s okay, because obviously you’re a much more well-rounded and capable person. He’ll probably never even kiss a girl. Stupid little shit.